Perfect Love

Today going about my day like any other day....because it's what I always do.
Everyday, I ask God to help me know how His love really feels, everyday, I ask
for more. In expectation. Waiting....I really would've waited til I was 80 to just
feel it for a moment, BUT since God loves me haha he didn't make me wait
that long.
Tonight at bible study, we talked about Purification and the difference between
being forgiven and being cleansed.
Being forgiven.....(hold on while i whip out my notes)....
Okay, complete forgiveness of sins cancels the penalty of sin & therefore
providing our escape from hell. ( read that again and slooowly) AND
The cleansing of sin cancels the GUILT of sin & therefore providing
escape from torments of conscience.
Get it, so once you've genuinely asked for forgiveness...
YOU are forgiven, so don't look back ;)
It is a feel guilty...because you don't believe you are forgiven.
Get it, got it...good.
So ANYWAY, we wrote on a piece of paper just things we have dug underneath
forgetting them, forgetting they once existed, shoving them in the dark
and making an excuse for them.
So i totally thought I was covered, and really, seriously thought I didn't have anything to
say to God, because i every night i literally lay in bed, talking to Him.
So i prayed and prayed for God to show me SOMETHING....and haha ohhhh man
things that i definitely shoved in the deepest corner rooms of my mind came up.
But right before it did, let me show you the verse that came up.....
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins,
and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we
make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us" 1John 1:9-10
Haha...can you imagine?
So we marked our pages with this verse on it in big black letters and torn it
to shreds, and seriously I am not even just saying this, the second i looked
at my paper with the big black letters and believed what it said....It made
something in me click and felt like a layers of skin came off  me.
Best feeling yet.
Okay yada yada yada....on with the night......
Overflow came. Overflow is a worship service we have every Tuesday at this church
down the road-ish. They turn out the lights and just have the most amazing worship.
So anyhaw, tonight I just asked God to just lay [his love on me.]
Let me tell you, NEVER ask for something from God you are not ready for, NOT that
i wasn't, but just saying. This song came on about 'Perfect Love' and was just
saying that His perfect love is ALWAYS there, and I just bursted into tears for
I could NOT hold it in. So, I have NOT cried in a long while and i was seriously
just sobbing and weeping so much, to the point i can barely hold myself
up. Then....he showed me.....
He showed everything around me falling apart...literally.
Everything around me was turning into rubble, was just complete chaos but right in
front of me....He held o to me...tight. Not letting me go...and it was then that I realized that
if He isn't in my life, it's because I chose Him not to be. Like, who are we?
What does He need from us? Nothing. He's God, but yet he chooses to chase us,
and like Idiots.....we run.  I don't know but at this point, University life is totally opposite
of what I expected. But seriously, it's all about you. You can either let the fact that
you are away from everyone who loves and you can do whatever, go to your head
or take care of yourself, because all those people who love you back at love.
I choose the latter.
Choose Perfect Love.
Could it jack you up even more than you are?
I doubt it.

If some parts did not make sense, i hardly proof read this and
it's passed my bed time. xoxo

OooOoh Lala.

Oooh Love.
The thing that can make you or break you.
The feeling that makes you feel on the top of
the world or the thing that
can make you want to die.
I've never really liked Valentines Day,
I just felt that it was kind of ridiculous to have only
ONE day to show someone you love them.
It really should be everyday.
So I've decided that when i have another love, we will
make new traditions.

I used to love someone.
(Oh boy, here she goes)
Haha, calm down, I wasn't going to tell a story.
I was going to simply just say that I am not
as bitter as I was towards love,
because i know it is real. And i have
not given up because I love the  change it brings.
Bettering and helping you see things that you didn't
before when you are just one.
That's how i know it is real, because i have felt that.

So no more bitterness, no more hate, no more regrets.
I know what (it) is and I'm ready when you are,


Weak minded?
So I've made it here. Without....or I'd rather say.....on my own.
I like this place, I think I'll grow to love it. I just haven't yet.
I have to say it's much different than I thought.
Then again though, my thoughts are crazy.
I can feel it now. Something, something good
surfacing. Or waiting on my cue to surface.
Something good, comes after all this?
I feel it. Feel it right in here. (points to heart)
I'm ready to become what I need to be for this world.
Do you understand me? No, of course you don't.
Well I won't explain, I'll just show you okay?
I never knew what work was until now.
Really, it's kind of pathetic actually.
I have so much to see, learn, and grasp.
I'm getting there.
I'm old. I hardly think you understand that.
This birthday will be unlike any other I think.
Away from family, people i know and love.
It's not that big of a deal, is it?
Nah. I can take one birthday being by myself.
I won't die. I don't think.
How can you stand it?
The feeling of regret that lingers in the back
of your mind that you ignore.
I don't think it comes up often to you,
unless your reminded by my face.
That place is all I've known.
Thanks to you,
I'm out. Alive. Well. Full.

Nothing is ever lost or can be lost.

I'm not bitter anymore, because I know what we had was real.
And if some distant place in the future, we see each other
in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember
how we spent the summer underneath the trees, learning
from each other and growing in love. The best love is the
kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more,
that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our
minds. And thats what you've given me. That's what I'd
hope to give to you forever. I love you and I'll be seeing

Thoughts in Yuletide.
3 days til Christmas. 15 days til I leave the state.
It's coming sooner than I'd like.
Hurting more than I'd like.
Is scarier more than I thought.

I probably am not normal.
I don't care though.
I'm really leaving...why is it such a big deal?
I tend to over-dramatize things though.


Dancing around the house with my sisters
is all I'm doing.

These past couple of days have been the best, really.

The best answer I can give you.....
is I'm sorry.

Gosh, I love you.
But I'm out.

Merry Christmas to the people I love so dearly.
You know who you are.

sleepy eyes and determination
I am hungry. AND up.
Thought i'd jot down a few.........notes.

Every December or so...around the end of the year,
like most people I try to imagine what the new year will hold.
I try to plan out all my biggest moves, mostly ideas that usually never
make it out of my brain.Bleh. So this year i won't. I hate plans, really.
They never work out. Things NEVER come out the way people
want or plan or intend or whatever word you wanna use there.
So I won't. I will let you just watch me. Watch me do whatever
I end up doing. I am a photo fanatic, so you will probably
see everything i'm doing. Well...maybe not everything but a bulk
of it. I use to think you had to have a plan for everything,
but now I am kinda just a freebird. Doing whatever I feel like,
doing whatever scandalous thing i can whip up. That's always been
me though, living for the moment. Can be bad....but i try to make
the most of it.
I was in the shower the other night and i was washing my feet.
Right when i smelt the great smelling of the oatmeal bodywash
and all the suds cleaning me so thought was...
how much I so love taking a shower. I know ME?! like showers?!
No but really...i thought of like the people in Kenya with their
whole water drought thing going on. (which i think it's finally rained there tho)
But gah my heart so swelled with
I get to shower in clean water, hot or cold, whichever I prefer.
I get to be clean. I get to wear shoes.
I get to eat, whenever i want, whatever I want.
I don't know...lately i've been so thankful for what i have
not even realizing that haha i don't have much.
I don't care. I don't care about nice things,
does that mean i wish i don't have nice things?
No, but something i've come to known is LIFE is not fair.
Why can some rich people be buying their dog jewelry
when someone is not even eating?
Ok...i will not get carried away.
POINT: Be thankful for EVERYTHING.
Another note:
Sick people have my whole heart. WHOLE heart.
Well....mostly children who have cancer.
I don't know why. I can't figure it out.
I want a job where i can be close to them.
I will have a job where i can be close.
I am determined dammit.

Aaand another note:
I have discovered that i have mixed
emotions on feminism.
In my opinion though it's just a bunch of
bored women that want to too wear the "pants" in
the relationship, but only one could in
every relationship.
I think alot has to do with their pride,
but whatever i don't even feel like
talking about it, maybe another time..
I mean whatever, I'm pretty positive
that it has some good points but usually
it's ridiculous.

One more note:
as time gets closer and with more
people asking me about the "big move"
as they call it........ s***less.

Until next time.

And she greets the day with...........ANNOYED.
Well JV, It has come to this.......My God, help me.
I have to get through, thru a blog, how pathetic and low.......
However, I will willingly give you my number for crying out loud next time
you wanna talk trash to me but don't ever talk at me again.

To all snoopers, all sneaks, all lurkers, all ex-girlfriends and yes, even you
''mutual'' friends IN the World Wide Web:

Since people claim to know my story, know what I, Denise N. Rocha am about,
I will simply give everyone the privilege of going into my head a little, reading my real thoughts a little,
reading my story and show A person how much of an asshole that they are.

As you know I have been single for about 2 years,but once upon a time when I was just a kid
of a teen, I had a boyfriend that I was repeatedly on and off again with. Yes me, "bitter" ol' me,
had a dude. Anyways, I broke up with him for the simple fact that we were in different cities and
we just couldn't hold on to it anymore. Blah, blah blah...I forget, everyone already knows this story.
Well he hastily got into other relationships searching for his new rebound. Fortunately for all of us,
ahhh he picked up a special one. One who was so pretty.........with her mouth shut, rude and always in a
bad mood every time she'd come around. I recall this one time genuinely serving her Nachos and her
only opening up her mouth just to eat them and with no manners just walked away.......denied.
Offering her my chair when there was no chairs available.....denied.
Offering her hot cocoa, in which she denied....but later was drinking her neighbors?
Arguing with her dude in the middle of Peter Piper Pizza because she accused him of looking at me?
Trying to strike up a conversation by the pool side and her not even giving me no direct eye contact and only
answering a strict yes or no?
You know I really really don't like mean people....and I mean does this not have 'mean' all over it? I really did try
from the bottom of my heart to be the best I could be, but only to become known as the jealous ex-gf,
soooo, how did I become the bad guy again? Because I am the ex-girlfriend. People talked left and right how
I called her names and said that I made comments on how she looked. Well let's see, I can also recall that I
(Denise) actually said that she was really "beautiful" in an email RESPONSE i got from her boyfriend at the time. And
that I was "truly happy" for them. But, nope, I guess they forgot to mention that one. Of course, the first time
seeing their picture was a little heart wrenching but I knew it had to come one day. Naturally, the first time i
actually saw them together was a bit different. It stung me just a little more than the picture but I was in no
way jealous of this new girl he had brought around because if I knew him well enough, he wouldn't
really just be with anyone. Again though, seeing someone i onced loved with someone else so fast led
me to write how i felt in which are O-L-D by the way..... haha, oh and in which I RECALL(haha i recall alot huh)
that she did the exact thing when he moved on to his yet again younger girlfriend. Geesh, it's funny though huh how
the cycle all this commotion would stir for a guy, but I am in no way defending him.
I am defending only myself because people think that they KNOW ME,think they know what came out of
MY mouth but NEVER ever bothered to try and talk it out with me, but just opened up their mouth only
to have TRASH TRASH TRASH come out and I didn't ever speak so ugly about them. Gah. Well,it sucks
but we all move along. OH and I actually really HATE competition. The people who really know me
and just don't go off of what people tell them will know that. That's why I can't really play sports haha cause
I never play to win........I play to only have fun.
So here. You there. It will be a waste of my brain waves to think about you, let alone bring you up
in a conversation, okay. Seriously, I have other things to worry about and do than talk about you. What will I get out of it?
Damn, I was even defending you just last week against them, but nope it is plain and simple that you my dear are
the world's biggest, ugliest(on the inside) JERK. Take this all as you will but I am terribly annoyed by
you and you being a liar,and trying to blast me like you know me. So please do
us all a favor and PLEASE please please stop talking and get on with your life and stop worrying
about us two D's and what we do and sharing our story....because it's not yours to tell.
But just to let you know............everything is very fine and dandy.

Thanks for your prayers!

If you can't shutup and want to have the last word at least write TO me

The Feeling of......
And I don't know what to call this feeling.
If this is a feeling of regret or a feeling of nervousness, or
if it's even a feeling at all. I've never in my life have felt this.
It pulls me back and forth emotion after another.
Can anything in our lives ever go right? Is it just an
act when I see or hear people say "My life is so great!"
Can it really be? I've seen nothing but disappointments, and
let downs, is there an upside to all this? And if there is,
what is it? Where is it?

Planning to move to another state has probably been the highlight
of my life. Let's see how it goes there.
I am literally sick of it here, in this place and having
absolutely having nothing to stay here for. Maybe this
is why I am upset all the time. How I can pick up and leave
so easily because I've never have been able to before.
DO i sound whiney? Haha I'm really sorry. It's just that
when I expect this person to be there for me, they aren't, like
they've always done.
So I have to sit here and sort out my thoughts myself.

I have always been able to describe how i feel through writing,
through typing whatever. I can't right now though. I don't know
what words to use. I'm so mad at some people. I'm so hurt
by some. I'm so disgusted by some. And some I'm moved by all
three! I need to get my head on straight because I usually
don't blame other people for my whatever this is. I do this
to myself. We all get ourselves to this place. do we
make it go away?

Then there is that feeling of Love.
The kind that the sight of their faces makes
your heart want to bust out in song. Haha
but i won't go there because it's actually not Love
if it's not mutual.

It was nice knowing you.

Who are you?
And what have they done?
What have you done?
How did you get this way?
It is my fault?
No, it isn't. You've made your choices,
and this is what you are. 
You are, the decisions that you've made.
I've tried not to care, but it isn't in me.
It isn't because I want to be there.
It's because you've let yourself become
what you swore you wouldn't.
Just another player in their game.
Just another guy in it to win it. 
You'll disagree but how can you explain
what you've done without sounding like
a dirtbag? You can't.
This isn't about me. It's about you.
It's about how you can't keep your head
above the water anymore, no matter
how hard you try. But why?
You never really could.
And i'll never understand it. Your capable
but just not able. It's not that i care too much.
It's just that you don't care enough.

What will it take?

How do I let this thought rest?
How do I keep from reminding myself?
How do I let my eyes rest from the sight?

Something so beautiful.
Something that wrenches your heart with the sparkle in their eye.
Something that connects so perfectly.
What does it take to make it go away?

Go as far as you can go and shine as bright as you can.


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