Greetings From The Notepad In My Brain :]
deni_naomi
 

Even though I know what I want to do with my life, I still ask myself
restlessly everyday,"WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?" Haha I know that
I know teaching and being with all sorts of different kids is what I
should do. Traveling, capturing time's heart with the photos I'll take,
to look back and love what I do. Preaching to many, loving many,
seeing many & just doing many, many things.  Marrying someone, 
having babies with that one, & still.....doing what I love to do. Money...
well that has always been an issue with my family, more never seems to be enough.
So as you watch me go through college still suffering from lack of
dough, even after college and after all my hard work money isn't
important to me.I think because we never really had money, it's
made me appreciate the things I do have? Making me realize what
I need and don't need and I recall and I know that I CAN even live
in a cardboard box, house made of sticks, a hut  and just be content
with not too much or not too little with my family, with my one, with
my babies, with my job I worked hard for, with my faith and....I'd so
be alright. I guess it seems like I have this all figured out...but
i really don't. I don't really like plans, things never really go the
way you want them to and I love that about life. Be spontaneous.
Be you. I don't even know what this is all about...This was all pointless
to anyone haha but ehh you got this far...might as well keep going on:)
Another note: 
I can't believe I'm really seriously permanently moving to Oklahoma.
Haha well i think that'll be news to everyone really, but i just found out
myself. I'm staying there....the occasional visits now and again here
but not to stay. I'm a big girl. Well....a lady if i may say so. Not quite a
woman. Anyways so I'll be leaving in the beginning of January and
haha for real thins time folks. Ahh, geez I have so many people I love
here in Texas you know...So many people that I can look at and their
face just busts my heartstrings. But hoping them the best and moving
forward you know...it's the best...so we say. My family is been really impeccable
with all this. We're doing a fundraiser to help me pay for residence haha
and I'll be set so help me out k guys. My life is If I should say....almost like
a really boring movie? The only reason why you keep watching it is cause
you really like the main star in film haha :) ok bad analogy. whatever. back
on the road  I was on before.......Leaving should be great. I'm ready for new,
I guess. I'll really miss my friends though. Haha cause they're 
all I've had for like 7 years haha....:/  well I guess I should wrap this up. I don't
think we'd really call this like a reflection deal but more of Greetings from
the notepad in my brain? Okay whatever it's late.
Thanks for reading all this...you were probably like 1 in the 2 that did. For that,
I heart YOU random person. 

Your Main Star,
Denise N. Rocha

Girl Talk.
deni_naomi
 

So this is for my sisters, my friends, and for you.

"I can't talk to you anymore"

Like guys, Girls never really mean what they say until
after a few hours of saying them and they haven't heard from the guy.
They can't rest until they say whatever it is that is burning 
their chest up, can't think of anything else until they  dramatically
finish it off or cleverly plan on how they'll try
to get you to notice how much they care about what you have. 
There is a difference between "I can't talk to you anymore"
and "I don't want to talk to you anymore"
I "can't" means it hurts her the way you ignore
her feelings totally and don't even acknowledge the relationship anymore.
I "don't" means....well you get that one don't you.
I know all this code crap sounds ridiculous but it's just
her not wanting to say, "Look if you don't notice what we have
is good then I'm out...so she is going to say "I can't talk to you"
or "We shouldn't talk" but that's where you get scared and realize 
you can't lose her cause what you have IS real....not
say okay and run off and go look for another relationship you idiot!
haha okay so now you got that.....I think that...
You'll never really never see what you had until you look again and notice
all the pretty little details. 

Look out and find me.
deni_naomi
 

You see there is something that has always really caught my attention.
I first noticed it when I was in middle school, actually in the 7th grade.
I went to public school, thousands of kids. Kids I never took the time to
meet but studied ridiculously. I had never had a boyfriend just one big crush.
Haha by that time I was so over. Anyways,  it always amazed me how everyone I knew
just seemed to picked and dropped boyfriends and girlfriends. To me it was so stupid & thoughtless.
I promised myself that I wouldn't ever be like everyone else. So I never was.
It always annoyed me incredibly that they thought of the opposite sex so lightly, like a game.
Who can have the most bf'/gf's? I can't even remember what made me not want to play their amusing game.
It seemed easy and fun but I knew it had consequences. Anyways, I think 
what I am getting at is how can people play this game? Work up emotions, just
to let themselves down? Say I love you but not mean it, have sex but not even enjoy it?
It's so ridiculous. What was once so beautiful has turned disgusting. I don't think I'll
ever know why they do it. Cause they're lonely, they have undealt with issues? 
It's just stupid, feeling like the only one in the world that wants to wait for the right time, the right 
moment, the right night, for God's sake the right effin person.

The world is so hard to reach to.


My last put in.....
deni_naomi
This is the last time.
 
Approximately 1 year and a half ago I called it "quits" on a relationship.
A relationship that was confusing, full of hurt, that was like a rollercoaster
everything 10 minutes: fun in the beginning but made you sick in the
end, but still made you want to repeatedly ride. A relationship that totally
had my whole heart. Perhaps too serious for our age. That tied almost 7 years
of ourselves in and eventually we were too tangled to get out of. I remember thinking
that night, "He doesn't even see  me, how do I keep pretending I am happy
at this moment?" I knew i was lost myself. I knew that if I wanted to be my
best for him, I had to let go and let him find himself, let go and had to find me.
I look back and this is still one of the biggest decisions I made. The old saying
if it's love, let it go, if he comes back you'll know...yeah he didn't come back.
It's not that I didn't love them. I'm not the monster he thought. But too immature
to think of anything I did, he only felt his pain. Not knowing that it left me on the floor
of my bathroom crying, because it felt like some kind of withdrawal that I faced alone.
Now I am here, just like his last girlfriend, trying to get it out my head. Her words making it seem
like she knew him for years. Haha. Like she spent years in his room talking about about what we'll do when 
we are this age, spent years kissing him, spent years dealing with his issues. But she didn't. I did.
So I kept waiting for hmm I'd say a year, because if he is what I think he is, he'll know that my love is genuine.
Not like the ones he's seen. But no, he just disappointed....disappointed...and disappointed.
So this is my last put in, my last input, the last of me..to you.

Again, I am done.

Don't you remember....
deni_naomi
"Do you remember the time when you and I were fine
Hiding under the apple tree there was no one but you and me
We would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars

And we were better then then we'd ever been before
You came back to me after walking out my door
You would call me on the phone before you even got home
Without me you said you were all alone

The cold wind that blows all the things I used to know
How could it fade so fast never thought you'd be part of my past
Would I trade it all again to get you out of my head?

Cause we were better then then we'd ever been before
You came back to me after walking out my door
You would call me on the phone before you even got home
Without me you said you were all alone
Alone
Without me by your side
You said you were all alone
Give me one more chance
To prove myself to you
All the little things that I long to do
-When you went away-
Would you trade the course
-You said that you'd be-
So that I could hold you
-Coming up my front porch-
Would it all go away
-Just to see me-
And my heart is breaking
Would you hear me baby
As the tears are longing
Do you remember the time when you and I were fine
Hiding under the apple tree there was no one but you and me
We would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars

And we were better then then we'd ever been before
You came back to me after walking out my door
You would call me on the phone before you even got home
Without me you said you were all alone

The cold wind that blows all the things I used to know
How could it fade so fast never thought you'd be part of my past
Would I trade it all again to get you out of my head?

Cause we were better then then we'd ever been before
You came back to me after walking out my door
You would call me on the phone before you even got home
Without me you said you were all alone
Alone
Without me by your side
You said you were all alone
Give me one more chance
To prove myself to you
All the little things that I long to do
-When you went away-
Would you trade the course
-You said that you'd be-
So that I could hold you
-Coming up my front porch-
Would it all go away
-Just to see me-
And my heart is breaking
Would you hear me baby
As the tears are longing
For what it used to beFor what it used to be"
 

Mics are better for swinging.
deni_naomi
Check....Check...One....Two...

Is anyone there? Can you hear me?
Well I just want to say....Talk is the cheapest.
If you've ever heard me say something and not live up to my word,
I  deeply apologize. If you ever heard me say something and do otherwise.
I sincerely apologize. If you've ever seen me be a hypocrite, I openly apologize.
I feel on the verge of busting out. That crazy daze
I go into for days and have to shake my head and body to come out of it.
Ranting and Raving never does anyone any good these days. Just
keep walking. Without the dramatic notes, I'm just disappointed.
I'm angry and how can I walk around and pretend to be fine?
Just look at me and give me a sign.
You can yell at me until your blue in your face to tell me......to tell me
what YOU think I should do. It just doesn't seem right. There she is,
well here i am; just like always. Hanging on to the limb of the branch and they're
threatening to cut down the tree but nothing can make me let go; unless they kill me.
Memory Lane is just the afternoon stroll you take from time to time but I take that
one everyday. So.....the on-lookers keep looking at me dangling from the tree.
Here they come to....."Excuse me Miss, there is no playing with these mics, would you
please step down and exit the building, we're closed"

Of course, kill the girl before you knock down the tree.

2009
deni_naomi
2009-

 I cannot wait to see what it holds, it'll definitely be a better year,  a year of getting my head on screwed right, a year to love again,
a year to catch an untameable fire. My heart....still a little limp but nothing that God can't fix with a little more time. My love.....totally
not ready to give away just yet BUT a little more time and I think I'll be able to do it right the next time. Every December, I look back
on the year with shame, guilt, full of frustration thinking, 'i hope the next year is better' Not this time. It's December and I can't wait
for a new year to come cause I KNOW that it's going to be one of the ones I could not forget like this year. 2008: NO regrets. I did
everything I had to, and the timing was perfect for everything that happened. I admit fully there were times I wanted to crawl in a hole
and stay there forever, but my beautiful friends never let me. My sisters never let me. Reminding me what I was each and every time.
I cannot be grateful enough.  Leaving to Louisiana has got some of them upset at me, or sad but I promise that this is what I need to
do. When I come back, I'll show what we can do. I'm a bit scared but  I know that it'll be ok. I might be a little scattered brain right now,
but just know that all i need is time because....In time God makes all things beautiful.

So read this correctly.....see me now....then in another ten months...see me.

just go.
deni_naomi
HE said that I'm crazy and that I need to stop because he is happy.
Well with the ache and the break it will cause me.....

If your happy, I'm happy.
If you jump, I jump.
If you go, I go.
If you break, I break.
If you love someone else, then might as well....






gbeijgrhfgbagbnadjfgbadhfgb
fgbadhfgbadjfnbadfjhnbdafb
gbadjfgbadjbdfjhbndafjnb
dang it. i'm sold.

Lovesick........or........Sick of Love.
deni_naomi
Am I Lovesick or sick of Love? I can't seem to make up my mind and it has become
a pain in my heart. I cannot seem to see myself the way that I was. Happy but uncomfortable.
To me that was enough, is there more I do not know of? To know that I'll go away and not
have anything that I had hoped for is definitely a disappoint. He is not even phased that I
might not even come back. As always I'm the one standing here with my heart still in my
hand....waiting. I'm not easily satisfied and it's so difficult to be happy with something I just
cannot like. Am I weird. Look at me..........I might end up an old maid with the way that i see this.
I guess I can say I never did eye to eye on this. The fear of being left behind is what I'll bite my nails at.
It's seriously eating me away at this point in time. Think:
The most precious person, off with someone that is not you, sharing the things
that they should be telling you, loving them they way they should be loving you, giving them
all kinds of things they should be giving you....and I am just here....sitting....thinking of it.
I thought I couldn't love another, because I'd given it all away. But if they could, then i most certainly
could. Right? Bleh I'm tired of doing this same guilt trip....I mean I'm happy for them and only
wish them all the happiness in the world but why does it feel like this at the same time?

I can't wait til I go far away....I think it'll go away too.



Never is such a long time.

Dig me up.
deni_naomi
Soooo...
we dug and dug and dug until we reached the wayyy bottom.
We looked at each other, not realizing where we were
until we looked up. The sky so far above our heads. We fought
about why and how we got there. Trying to escape but dragging
each otherdown because if we didn't leave together then we
wouldn't get out.While they slept, I crawled out. They woke up,
yells from the bottom up.I couldn't just walk away...could I?
Feeling bad, I try to save them, reaching my hand in. 
Thinking I was doing good, they pulled me right back in.
Putting me back in square one. So much time in this hole, tired
of the same dirt under my nails, in my skin, under my feet. By
this time my mind became so used to of the thought of me staying
like this and thinking I'd be okay.One day I woke up, looking up
 seeing the sky and finding myself deeper in this dirty hole, more
than I had ever been. Could I get out? Was I able to leave without
looking back down and not feeling bad? Screw it I want out. I climb,
climb and climb.Finally, without looking down the hole, I came out.
Seeing around me the light,the open road....I've forgotten how to be
with this much freedom. So they ended up getting out, but is digging
..up another hole, but just because it's a different hole doesn't mean it
won't look the same on the way down. But i walked away with no
dirt under my nails, clean feet, and clean skin, but the best...a clean heart.

I have to say...I'm very happy.
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